Devour Music

first first, big thank you to @jhspedals for sending me the new 424 gain stage pedal. if you're interested in the world of pedals i really cant reccomend this enough. i'm using it as the last thing my guitar goes through before the sound is recorded, its essentially a pre amp that emulates the 424 tascam tape recorder (known now for the very iconic Dijon and Mkgee sound). overall just a beautiful sounding pedal that's added a richness to my guitar tone im loving. okok so i turned 28 last week anddd youtube sent me a beautiful silver plaque in honor of 100,000 of you lovely humans following along this musical journey im on. i also played what i think has been the best live show i've performed yet last week, my family came out to see and i met so many of you after the show and that truly meant so much. the classic irony of life is while i'm experiencing these tangible moments of validation surrounding the path i'm on, i've been feeling pretty lost in the swarm of everything i'm surrounded by. this morning, i put on one of my older meditations i recorded at a lake upstate and was hit with this nostalgic emotion of a simpler time, even though i know things weren't necessarily simpler. it's funny how we can go back to an old experience in life, one that might have been really difficult, and feel this sense of longing. i thought about that for a while, remembering some of the personal life things i was struggling with during that week. even though i had an incredible time, the memory has an ever greater sense of fondness to it. it seems that must come from the safety of a memory. when life is happening in the moment, there's something truly spectacular about presence. at the same time, its so easy for anxiety to creep in and make it a real struggle to enjoy what's happening around you. but that's whats so enticing about a memory, you know how it begins and ends. i think back to a week ago before my show, i was feeling sick all week, i had family visiting, i had sooo much busywork to get done. i was really stressed for so much of that week, i felt nervous about the concert and truly was unsure if i was going to be able to perform well. then, the concert went perfectly. it was so so special and filled me with joy. now when i look back on it, the memory has a richness to it that comes from the safety of there being no risk to experiencing the memory. because i know how it ends, i know everything at the end of that story is ok. im sitting here now thinking, i'll never get a look into the future. and i know that's a good thing, the moments that come with the greatest risks often hold the most stress and happiness within them. this is my 55 trumpet meditations, recently i've been trying new things. adding some text to the youtube thumbnails, recording DJ sets, working on my album at the moment. the stress building in me is a fear that maybe i had something figured out this past year, but not anymore. but when i take a deep breath i realize that's just not true. at the end of the day, my experience in this one spectacular shot at life will be deeply impacted by whether or not i allow my fears to narrate my life or my hopes. hope and fear are two sides of the same coin. we just get to flip that coin, but we don't get to control which side the next moment will land on. buttt in this moment right now i am reminding myself that i've already made it this far. maybe a little fear every now and then is good, it can motivate me to push and do my best. but at the end of the day, i've worked hard enough to deserve some trust in myself, some trust in my path. of course so much is up in the air, i can't control it, none of us can. things may feel pretty bleak on certain days, especially now. but im taking this moment now to take a deep breath and allow myself to move into the next moment with some trust, i hope that if this is something you've been dealing with, you can try and give yourself the same grace. you deserve it, trust me, you do.